A Burning Bitterness
by hallowgirlfrommars
Summary: "The words were yanked from his throat and he hoped they burnt her, hoped they hurt her, the way he'd been hurting ever since she showed up, ever since Jace started staring at her the way he did, ever since she changed everything." Alec's view of his and Clary's argument in City of Bones.


**Angsty biscuits for Alec.**

Alec couldn't stop thinking about the previous night. All he could remember was Jace and the girl appearing in the lobby at the crack of dawn, filthy and exhausted, and the mundane slumped over them like some pathetic puppet. He remembered Hodge's anger, the crackling of his voice as he shouted-at Jace, in particular, obviously. And the stupid look of relief on the mundane's face as the girl helped him up to the Infirmary, to rest from whatever trauma he'd endured.

Of course, Alec had heard all about what had happened since. How the mundane had managed to get himself captured by freaking _vampires, _of all things, and ended up in the Hotel Dumort. How Jace and the girl had gone in to get him, and had ended up escaping on a flying motorcycle, crashing in the parking lot of a supermarket as the dawn filtered through the sky.

Alec had heard it all, and he still hated the thought of it. The girl with Jace, instead of him. The girl with him, his support, his back up, instead of him. The _girl,_ the untrained girl, the mundane girl, the girl they'd only met days ago, being with Jace that night, instead of him, Alec, who'd known Jace since he was ten, who'd trained with him for years, who'd always been there at his side, covering him, waiting for him, protecting him. Him, Alec, his _parabatai. _And instead of him, it had been her.

Alec hadn't been able to say her name for a few hours-though Izzy and Jace had both repeated it over and over again, as if they couldn't think of anything else, for God's sake-and she'd stayed up in the Infirmary. With the mundane, where she belonged. But they were both in the Institute. As if they thought they _belonged_ here. As if she thought she was one of them.

She'd never be one of them.

Alec was making his way down the corridor now, his teeth gritted. He'd left the Infirmary behind, left Jace and Izzy to fuss over the mundane. The girl had gone ahead of him, leaving the dead weight behind for once. Alec dimly heard the Infirmary door close behind him, but barely noticed the sound in amongst his own thoughts.

Why was she here? Couldn't she have just stayed away? Why couldn't she have gone somewhere else, anywhere else but here? Why couldn't she hate this whole world and just leave? And then things would be the same way they were before.

It was just as he was thinking this, heading down the corridor, that he saw her. The red hair made her stand out as she walked ahead of him. She had her hand pressed to her cheek, which made Alec blink, before he decided he didn't particularly care about her motivations. Or her, for that matter.

Why couldn't she just leave?

The idea came to him in the next second, and he called her name before he could stop himself. "Clary!"

The girl-Clary-turned. Clary-stupid name. Just a shortened version of her real one, obviously. But Jace liked it, said it differently to the way he said everything else. _Clary. Clary, Clary._ It made Alec want to slice a sword through the girl's chest.

She stopped still, waiting for him to catch her up. He hurried slightly, keeping his eyes on her, coming to a stop at her side. He swallowed. "I need to talk to you."

Her eyes widened gratifyingly, those huge green depths staring up at him. Huge, green eyes-eyes Jace couldn't stop staring at. "What about?"

He hesitated. He couldn't form the words for a moment and found himself surprisingly confused-now that he'd got her here, now that he'd got her listening, what _did _he want from her?

But she was standing there, staring, those huge, green eyes finding his, and something about that gave him his voice. "I think you should leave. Go home."

She jerked. Her whole body gave a tiny jerk, as if he'd slapped her round the face. She stared up at him, those eyes bigger than ever. But when she spoke, her voice was surprisingly steady. "Alec, the last time I was home, it was infested with Forsaken. And Raveners. With fangs." She stared at him as if hoping to underline the point. "Nobody wants to go home more than I do but-"

Alec swallowed. "You must have relatives you can stay with?" There had to be somebody, he thought. Anything, anybody. Just get her away. Just leave. And then things could be the way they used to be.

Clary's arms folded across her chest, and her eyes narrowed slightly." No." The word was clipped and short and made Alec's teeth grind more tightly than ever. She wasn't going to listen to him, that much was clear. She thought she _belonged _here. That he didn't have the _right _to send her away.

She stared up at him, her head tilted now, as if ready for a fight. "Besides, Hodge wants me to stay."

It was Alec's turn to jerk as if he'd been slapped. Hodge _wanted_ her here? This girl? A mundane?_ Can't-he wouldn't-almost got one of us __**killed**__ last night-_

"He can't, possibly." The words came out less steady than before, and he found himself slipping, glaring at the girl, this girl, the one everyone couldn't take their eyes off, the one _Jace _couldn't take his eyes off. "I mean-" She was glaring back at him now, and it reminded him of someone, and she didn't belong here, she couldn't. "Not after what you've done-"

She seemed to recoil slightly at that. "What _I've _done?" The words were genuinely surprised, and that sent a thrill of shock through him. She didn't know. She didn't even know what she'd done by being here. Didn't even know the danger she'd put everyone in. Or care, by the looks of it.

He had to swallow hard. His fists were clenched and he was trembling. He wanted to grab her, shake her, make her see..."You almost got Jace killed." He almost spat the words at her, wanted to see them hit her, see them burn like poison...She _was _poison, this girl, taking Jace away from the rest of them, making him act like one of _them, _like one of the mundanes...

She was staring at him as if he was insane. He didn't care. He felt a little insane. "_I _almost-" She shook her head incredulously. "What are you _talking _about?"

He took a step towards her but she didn't move backwards. Just stood and stared at him, as if it were nothing. As if she had a right to be there.

The thought of that made something well inside his throat. As if she had the _right..._"Running off after your friend like that-"_ Your mundane friend who was idiotic enough to get himself turned into a rat, for Christ's sake. _"Do you know how much danger you put him in?" He couldn't stop shivering when he thought about it, thought of how it could have been. Pictured Jace's body, limp, slumped before him..."Do you know-" He couldn't finish the sentence. He was shaking and she was glaring up at him and he wanted to throw her into the wall, wanted to shake her, shake her until she screamed...

"Him? You mean Jace?" Clary was glaring back at him. "For your information, the whole thing was his idea."

He stared at her, his whole body tensed, as though waiting for her to attack. She met his gaze willingly, those green eyes narrowed, her arms folded, containing herself.

_"He _asked Magnus where the lair was. He went to the church to get weapons." She took another step towards him, perhaps unconsciously. "If I hadn't come with him, he would have gone anyway."

Alec couldn't speak for a moment, so strong was the burning feeling in his chest, his fists clenched, he wanted to hit the girl in front of him so badly. The way she stood there, her eyes locked with his, her mouth moving, her words so sure...as if _she _knew Jace better than he did, as if she,_ she _after a few days, knew Jace inside out, had a connection with him that Alec never would.

"You don't understand." The words came out tight through clenched teeth. He glared at her. "You don't know him." He flung the words at her, wanted to see them sink in, make their impact. Wanted to see her acknowledge them, reassure him that yes, she didn't know him, didn't know Jace at all, not as well as he did...He kept his eyes on hers' as he spoke. "_I _know him." He didn't look away, wanted to remind her, remind her of how long he'd known Jace, of how he knew him, how they were the same and she wasn't like them, she'd never be like them...

"He thinks he has to save the world;-" The words were bitten out between his teeth, sharp, sharp with anxiety, being on edge, all those years of worrying endlessly about Jace. "He'd be glad to kill himself trying. Sometimes-" He swallowed, the words dredged up from his chest, from the things he only let himself think in the depths of night, never let himself say out loud. "Sometimes, I think he even wants to die, but that doesn't mean you should encourage him to do it."

Jace; Jace, who'd been his best friend since the age of ten-Jace who'd killed his first demon in front of Alec, with Alec standing behind him. Jace, always ready with his retorts, his sneer, his way of looking at someone, one eyebrow raised, hands shoved in his pockets. Jace, his eyes wild in battle, his gaze finding Alec's over his shoulder, their eyes locking for that one moment, that one moment where his friend looked most alive and most dangerous. Jace, who'd almost died last night.

Jace, and this girl had nearly taken him away.

She was shaking her head now. "I don't get it" she said. "Jace is Nephilim. This is what you _do, _you rescue people, you kill demons, you put yourselves in danger." She stared up at him. "How was last night any different?"

Alec stared at her, at those stupid eyes staring up at him. Something was snapping inside his chest, and the way she just stared up at him, as if she had no idea what she'd done wrong, as if she had no idea what he was so angry about, felt as if it was ripping him in half.

He opened his mouth and then something about her-the hair, the upturned face, the eyes-stopped him for a moment. The eyes staring into his. The eyes that Jace loved.

"Because he _left me behind!"_ The words were yanked from his throat and he hoped they burnt her, hoped they hurt her, the way he'd been hurting ever since she showed up, ever since Jace started staring at her the way he did, ever since she changed everything..."Normally-" He could barely speak, watching her eyes widen with each word. "I'd be with him, covering him, watching his back, keeping him safe. But you-" He couldn't find the words to say it. "You're dead weight, a _mundane."_ He spat the words at her, wanting her to recoil again, perhaps to cry, show Jace she wasn't so perfect, wasn't Nephilim like them, wasn't the same..

But Jace would probably comfort her and that made Alec want to hit her even more.

She was standing still and she was looking up at him but she wasn't backing away. She wasn't. "No" she said, her voice very low, very quiet. "I'm not." Her eyes met his, those stupid, stupid eyes. "I'm Nephilim." There was a beat of silence. "Just like you." Those words, almost a whisper.

It was Alec who nearly recoiled. Because she was _not _like him, she would _never _be like him, never be the same, she was _not _him...And she was not like Jace, _never _like Jace.

Some voice in his head whispered something. Something about Jace liking her. Something about that maybe being the reason.

Alec shoved it away.

He stared at Clary, dredging up as much spite as he could to laden the next words with. "Maybe" he said, dragging the words out as long as possible. "But with no training, no nothing, you're still not much use, are you?" He kept his eyes fixed on hers', his hands clenched at his sides. "Your mother brought you up in the mundane world." He could taste his anger on his tongue. "And that's where you belong. Not here-" He had to break off for a moment, had to swallow, had to stare at her again, remind himself of what she'd done. "Making Jace act like-like he isn't one of us."

There. That's what she was doing. Taking Jace away. Making _Jace,_ the best Shadowhunter of his age, the best there was, Alec's Jace, act like some pathetic mundane. Like one of _them._

The thought made words burn in his throat. "Making him break his oath to the Clave, making him break the Law-"

Clary's voice cut across his. "News flash." The words were snapped, her arms still folded protectively across her chest. "I don't _make _Jace do anything. He does what he wants." She glared up at him, her eyes like cool venom. Poison, stinging, burning his skin, a burning bitterness inside his veins. "You ought to know that."

Those words made him step towards her again. The way they were said, as if he didn't know Jace inside out, as though he wasn't linked to him body and soul, as if _she _knew Jace better than he did...He wanted to slam her into the wall.

Instead, he chose his words more carefully. "You mundanes are completely selfish, aren't you?" _Selfish._ The word for Clary Fray. The perfect word. Only thinking about herself, never about anyone else. "Have you no idea what he's done for you?" _Would he do that for me-_but he would, of course he would, he'd have to, he'd want to..."What kind of personal risks he's taken?" He stared at her and she just stared back. The selfish little _bitch, _she just stared back.

He moved closer to her. "He could lose everything." He had to make her see. Had to make her understand. Had to make her appreciate just how rare it was-just how rare that Jace Wayland would do this for anyone, had to make her see how he didn't do it for anyone.

Alec bit his lip. _Jace wouldn't do it for just anyone..._

She was _special._ That was the worst part. She _counted_ to Jace. She _mattered_ to him.

He'd known her only days and she _mattered_ to him. Mattered so much that he'd do something like this for her. The same way he'd do for Alec or Izzy.

The way he'd do for family.

And she was already that to him. Or more.

And she didn't even know how lucky she was. How-Alec gritted his teeth-how utterly freaking _lucky_ she was. She didn't know what she had. Didn't even appreciate it. Could just as easily throw it away.

And how did _she _deserve it? What had _she _done to merit it? Nothing. Just a stupid little mundane girl, with her stupid little problems and her stupid big eyes, big eyes that stared at him now, big eyes that Jace loved.

Stupid little mundane _bitch._

He took another step towards her. "He already lost his mother and father." He spat the words in her face. "Do you want to make sure he loses the family he's got left, as well?"

He watched her recoil. It was a vicious stab of pleasure to see her eyes widen again, her mouth form silent words for a moment. Stupid, stupid little mundane. She was ruining everything.

But then her eyes narrowed, and she stepped towards him. He moved back before he could stop himself and then her eyes locked with his, and that made him move back more. Those green eyes, those big, green eyes that had looked so stunned moments ago were blazing fury.

"You should talk about selfish." The words were vicious and with a start, he realised that her fists were clenched at her sides, the same as his. "You couldn't care less about anyone in this world except yourself, Alec Lightwood. " Her lip curled. "No wonder you've never killed a single demon because you're too afraid."

The words seemed to slap him in the face, steal his breath. He couldn't look away from Clary. _How does-how could she-_

Everyone else knew. Everyone else knew that he'd never killed a demon. And they all said it didn't matter, that he protected them in other ways. But it didn't prevent him knowing and them knowing that he was the only one in the Institute who fought regularly with the distinction of not having killed one of their natural enemies. And it didn't stop him thinking about it.

And now she knew.

"Who told you that?" He had to force the words out through his lips which suddenly seemed to be trembling.

Clary's smirk was vicious. "Jace."

Alec felt as if he'd really been slapped, this time. _No-he couldn't-he wouldn't-he-Jace-_

Jace had told her. Jace, his best friend, his _parabatai._ The person whose soul was linked inextricably with his, who was as bound to him as he was to his own life. The person who was his other half.

Jace.

He couldn't-he wouldn't-but he had. How else could she know?

The words trembled on his lips. "He wouldn't." The voice coming from his throat sounded weak, more of a question than a statement. He could feel himself shaking, a sickness lurching in his stomach.

Clary had killed a demon. Clary had killed one the night she was first brought to the Institute. A Ravener with no weapons, with nothing to help her. No training, no skills. Nothing.

But she had killed one.

And he hadn't.

Another thing Jace loved about her.

And Jace had told her about him.

Alec could feel himself shaking. "He wouldn't say that." His voice shook, and he stared down at Clary, who glowered back up at him. The difference in their heights didn't seem quite so pronounced anymore.

"He did." Her voice dripped venom. Her eyes were burning, her lips twisted in a smile as if she was glad to see this. Glad to say these things to him.

And why wouldn't she be? She was using what she had against him. Jace had gone back for her. Helped her. Saved her life. And he'd told her Alec's secret.

And she was using it.

She stepped closer to him again. "You can rant all you want about honour and honesty and how mundanes don't have any of either, but if you were honest-" She stared at him, her chest heaving and the smug triumph had vanished from her face. She was as angry as him and that thought gave him some disturbing jab of satisfaction.

She stared at him, those eyes blazing, burning, holding his. "You'd admit this tantrum is just because you're in love with him."

Alec's heart seemed to stop. He couldn't move. He couldn't speak. He couldn't look away. All he could do was stare back at her, like a rabbit in the thrall of a stoat. _No-couldn't-she couldn't-_

He couldn't-he wasn't-she wasn't-Her eyes, staring into his. And Jace, Jace beside him, Jace always beside him, Jace always there, there with Alec, Jace's eyes, Jace's smile, Jace's voice, Jace, Jace, Jace...

_In love with him..._

Clary was still staring up at him, her eyes still blazing. "It doesn't have anything to do with-"

Alec looked at her and what she'd just said flashed in front of his eyes as clearly as if it was written there. And what followed was an image of Jace. Jace staring at Clary, whenever she spoke, whenever she moved, whenever she breathed. As if she was the whole world.

Jace staring at Clary the same way-Alec's heart seemed to slowly, sickly contract-the same way he stared at Jace.

Clary's eyes in front of him. Clary's eyes that Jace loved. Clary, that Jace loved.

_Just because you're in love with him..._

And then she was slammed against the wall. His hands were holding her shoulders and there was a sharp crack echoing in his mind, though he didn't remember the beginning of the sound. Clary's eyes were still fixed on his, still huge, still wide, her shoulders under his hands and it was only then he realised what he'd done. How he'd thrown her. How he was holding her.

And that, if he had had the choice a second before, he would have wilfully killed her.

Clary's eyes were huge now, frightened at last, but the sight didn't give him any pleasure. And his face was an inch from hers', but he was holding her against the wall, and he wasn't letting go. All he could feel was her struggling against him, her eyes huge and green and all he could see.

His heart was beating so fast, he was sure it would tear itself in two. He was gasping for breath and his fingers were aching from holding her and the voice that emerged from his throat was not his own.

"Don't -" He had to swallow and the pounding of his heart almost drowned out the sound of his own voice. She'd said it, thrown it in his face, said it out loud. The thing nobody else had ever said. She'd said it.

"Don't you _ever-" _Her eyes were inches from his, green and huge and watching him, frightened at last, silent at last. He wanted to shake her. He wanted to rip them out of her head. He wanted to curl up, wrap his arms around himself until he disappeared.

"Ever-" His voice had dropped until it was barely above a whisper. "Say anything like that to him-" He swallowed, his entire body shaking. "Or I'll kill you." The words were a hoarse whisper, a silent promise. Her eyes, inches from his, pools of green and black. Her eyes, not his. Her eyes, not his that Jace loved.

Her. Not him.

His hands still pinned her to the wall, his breath tearing at his throat. "I swear on the Angel-" The words burnt on his lips and his eyes locked with hers', the promise clear to her. "I'll kill you."

And he would. He knew he would, because the alternative was to kill himself.

Because then Jace would know. He'd know. And Jace would look at him differently. All the times they'd trained together, all the times they'd been together-Jace would look at them differently. And at him differently.

And he would know.

And Alec would do anything rather than let that happen. Alec would rather die than have that happen.

In that moment, he almost wished he could.

He stepped back when she gasped. It took him a moment, but he stepped back, releasing her as quickly as he'd grabbed her. She stared at him, her hands gripping her arms where he'd seized her, as he stepped away. He stared at her, barely able to comprehend what he'd done.

He stepped away from her, turning his back on her before he grabbed her again, before he followed through on his threat...She was staring at him and it wasn't with hatred now. It was with fear. Fear and terror, and he'd caused it.

But it gave him no satisfaction whatsoever.

He turned away from her, feeling himself waver slightly. He felt as though he'd been hit over the head. Hardly knowing where he was going, he turned towards the Infirmary, the only place there was nearby.

Where Jace and Izzy were.

Alec had to lean against the wall. He closed his eyes but his mind still filled with Jace, Jace's eyes, Jace's mouth...

_Just because you're in love with him..._

Alec closed his eyes. They burnt and he had to take a deep breath before he could keep moving.

He didn't know if Clary was watching him. He didn't care.

He stopped at the Infirmary door. He stayed still, listening to the voices inside. They couldn't have heard what had just happened in the corridor. They couldn't because Jace would have come outside.

Alec imagined Jace's face if he heard how Clary had been grabbed. There was more than one thing she could give away.

Alec leant against the wall. He had to bite his lip to keep the tears falling. He could still see Clary's face, Clary's eyes. As much as he could see Jace's face, Jace's eyes.

_In love with him..._

Nobody knew. Nobody knew. He didn't know. It wasn't strange that he liked to watch Jace for so long. It wasn't strange that he shivered when Jace was near him while they trained, was normal for him to stare at his hair, at his eyes. It was Jace. His best friend.

But he knew it was. He knew and she knew.

And if she wanted to, everyone else could know.

Alec had to bite his lip to stop himself sobbing. He felt sick, dirty, as if he were tainted with something. He felt like dying, like curling up in a ball and never getting up again.

He leaned against the door frame and struggled to breathe.

Jace would hate him.

The thought made him hug himself, lean his head against the doorframe. He had to bite back a sob. His fingers dug into the skin at his jaw.

Jace would hate him if he knew.

Alec closed his eyes for a moment. It took him a few seconds to stand upright.

He had to go inside. He had to.

Clary's voice in his mind again. _You're too afraid..._

Clary's voice. Clary's eyes. Clary's words, burning his skin.

Clary's eyes, that Jace loved. Clary, that Jace loved.

Who Jace loved more than him.

Alec Lightwood closed his eyes and opened them again. Clary. Clary wasn't leaving. Clary was here.

Clary who Jace loved.

Alec took a deep breath, the words stinging his skin. He repeated them over and over in his mind, struggling to make them feel natural. _Who Jace loved. Who Jace loved._

Each time, they hurt more.

Alec Lightwood turned towards the door of the Infirmary. He fixed a smile on his lips, a few questions in his mind, determined that they shouldn't know what had happened. He reached for the Infirmary door, determined to act as though everything was normal. Determined not to let any of them see, even for a second, the bitterness burning inside.

**Don't worry, Alec, you'll have Magnus soon enough.**


End file.
